Funny One Liners

  1. Golden words by a wise man:”If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can’t even change a TV channel…”
  2. Professor X can move anything with his mind… except his legs.
  3. I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree
  4. I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an asshole.
  5. If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
  6. You’re a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you’re just a drug addict.
  7. It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.
  8. What do you call a woman who is paralysed from the waist down? Married.
  9. A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
  10. Pretty soon you’ll be able to get married online, instead of saying “I do” you will have to click “I agree to these terms and conditions.”
  11. Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
  12. I’m as bored as a slut on her period.
  13. When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
  14. Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
  15. A young girl swallowed a pin when she was eleven and never felt a prick until she turned eighteen.
  16. Did you hear about the blind skunk? It fell in love with a fart.
  17. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? We’re closed – beat it.
  18. Why are camels also known as ‘Ships Of The Desert’? Because they’re full of Arab seamen…..
  19. Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.
  20. Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.