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- Golden words by a wise man:”If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can’t even change a TV channel…”
- Professor X can move anything with his mind… except his legs.
- I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree
- I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an asshole.
- If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
- You’re a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you’re just a drug addict.
- It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.
- What do you call a woman who is paralysed from the waist down? Married.
- A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
- Pretty soon you’ll be able to get married online, instead of saying “I do” you will have to click “I agree to these terms and conditions.”
- Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
- I’m as bored as a slut on her period.
- When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
- Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
- A young girl swallowed a pin when she was eleven and never felt a prick until she turned eighteen.
- Did you hear about the blind skunk? It fell in love with a fart.
- What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? We’re closed – beat it.
- Why are camels also known as ‘Ships Of The Desert’? Because they’re full of Arab seamen…..
- Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.
- Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.