Funny One Liners

  1. Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
  2. The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.
  3. My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don’t have a little brother…
  4. I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
  5. Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying. “If you build it…they will come”?
  6. I only have two feelings, it’s either “I’m hungry” or “I shouldn’t have eaten this much”
  7. Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you’re petting them.
  8. I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
  9. My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
  10. India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
  11. At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
  12. We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
  13. Please put your drama in a joke format so I can understand it.
  14. Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
  15. Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
  16. You play the victim so well, I’m surprise you don’t carry around your own piece of chalk.
  17. Send me one more game request and I’m showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister…
  18. Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.
  19. When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
  20. If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.