Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it’s given me another reason to stare at their tits.
Women would save a lot of money on beauty products if they ever realized they have a vagina.
Apparently “You probably don’t hear this a lot, but I think you’re quite attractive” isn’t a very good pickup line.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
When I die I’m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Person: I like your name. Me: thanks, I got it for my birthday
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! 😉
If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a shitty lock.”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
My first act as ruler of the universe would be changing the week to: Sunday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.