A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you… cuz laughter is the best medicine.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. The only KKK that will let bIack guys inside them.
I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I’m pretty sure I came out ahead
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.
When a girl says: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best”… What she really means is: “I’m a f*ckin psycho.”
Can’t wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer, and go stare at a different computer.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard
They could of at least added a middle finger emoji on iOS7.
I don’t drink about you anymore.
Either my shirt shrunk in the wash or, a more likely reason, those four push-ups per day have made me a BEAST.
It’s funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it’s OK for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said “I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you’re not doing anything to help”. So I sent her a timetable.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.