Funny One Liners

  1. I went to my 35th high school reunion and realized that “the one that got away” turned into a “dodged a bullet.”
  2. “I” before “E” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
  3. Sylvester Stallone and his buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger have teamed up, and they’ve got a blockbuster action movie opening this weekend. They’re a little older now than they use to be, but go see the movie. It’s called “Escape From Assisted Living.”
  4. Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
  5. Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la
  6. We don’t lose friends, we just learn who our real ones are.
  7. What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
  8. Gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect
  9. My dad’s TV volume is always set at “screw the neighbors”.
  10. I always assume girls who wear ponytails love sucking d*ck. (I assume the same about guys with ponytails as well)
  11. Honey, I let myself go and gained all this weight to prevent other men from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
  12. Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
  13. According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
  14. My birthday is coming up and I’m mostly just anxious about all the people on Facebook who are about to pretend to like me.
  15. When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
  16. I bought a book on eBay called, “How to scam on eBay”. That was 2 months ago, and it’s not arrived yet
  17. Karma may “work” but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
  18. A psychology study suggests that when you are single, all you see are happy couples, When you are committed, you see happy singles.
  19. Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet….
  20. I should’ve married myself. I’ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.