Funny One Liners

  1. Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ”Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?”
  2. I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
  3. If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.
  4. If your wife says “what would you do without me?” “Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.
  5. After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
  6. Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
  7. This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
  8. Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you’re not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.
  9. Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
  10. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller…
  11. National no bra day wasn’t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
  12. Choose your friends carefully, They are the ones who tag you in photos.
  13. Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you’re not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.
  14. Thinking about free healthcare and how much it’s going to cost me?
  15. ‘LSD makes users lose weight’ That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.
  16. A hoes favorite line is, ‘Don’t judge me, you don’t know what I been thru’…..Yeah I do, a lot of d*ck.
  17. I’m not saying my ex wasn’t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
  18. I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher… she was cute.
  19. Nice try speed bumps, it’s a rental.
  20. Personally, I don’t find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.