Funny One Liners

  1. Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
  2. I’m inappropriate on Facebook because I have to be appropriate and follow the rules in real life.
  3. I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn’t post it. It needs some work.
  4. When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I’m older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.
  5. What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
  6. Normally I can’t dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson
  7. Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
  8. When someone I don’t know likes one of my statuses I think, “Will this be the story we tell our grandkids?”
  9. If you are not so happy with life, Come join us on Facebook. We’ll make you forget you ever had one.
  10. Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything. I’m amazed that so many people choose to be complete idiots.
  11. I was just looking in the mirror this morning, thinking about who I was. I suppose you could say I was reflecting.
  12. Every time I think my posts suck … I just go read everyone else’s and then I feel much better.
  13. Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings on the subway this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
  14. The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That’s Cole’s Law.
  15. “Hello 911?” “Someone just stole my status on Facebook… yes, I’ll hold.”
  16. I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.
  17. Amazing… a really hot woman came up to me today and said “Hey, you’re the guy who writes all those hilarious statuses on Facebook, right?” When I nodded, she asked me if they were all true stories. I admitted they were all made up. And then we enjoyed ten hours of passionate sex.
  18. I’d like to go back in time, to when I said “When I grow up, I wanna go to college, be an engineer or an Astronaut or a successful lawyer” and change it to: “When I grow up, I wanna barely graduate high school, start drinking and womanizing, get a factory job, get married, have two kids, get divorced and become addicted to something called Facebook.” Just imagine the sense of accomplishment I would have right now.
  19. Don’t go over-analyzing my statuses. If I made sense all the time I wouldn’t need to be here so much.
  20. “I want a guy who treats me right, listens to me and makes me feel good. But until then, I’ll keep dating a$$holes and complaining.” – Women
  21. You can’t have your status and like it too.
  22. Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.