Funny One Liners

  1. Find someone who will change your life, not just your relationship status.
  2. Unless there’s a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.
  3. So passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best
  4. Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you’ve Gone Commando a few times in your life.
  5. You say, “I think we should see other people” like I haven’t been doing so ever since we started dating.
  6. Fellas; If she doesn’t call you every fcuking minute of the day, never let her go.
  7. My kids don’t like when I drink, but if it wasn’t for alcohol, they wouldn’t even be here.
  8. What’s with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their stupid event?
  9. You know as soon as my ”Swear Jar” gets full, I’m going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!
  10. Pot is a plant, that grows in the ground. If God didn’t want it, It wouldn’t be around. So all you f*ckers that don’t get high, Shut the f*ck up and give it a try!
  11. Hello mother. Hello father. Here I am at Camp Marijuana. Crack is good, but weed is better, I’m so f*cked up, a friend wrote this letter.
  12. After I die, I want someone to periodically log in as me so it looks like I’m haunting Facebook.
  13. I’m getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to put your phone off.
  14. Don’t save a spot for someone who won’t make an effort to stay.
  15. There is always that one person you want to punch for no reason every-time you see them.
  16. The annoying moment when I get comfy in bed and realize I forgot to do something.
  17. Real laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
  18. LIKE if you remember this: The walk of shame when you have to put something back in a store after your mom says no.
  19. The angry moment when you plug your charger into your phone but you realize hours later your charger wasn’t plugged in.
  20. I hate that random song you hear in the morning and gets stuck in your head all day long.