Funny One Liners

  1. The Dark Knight Rises…..a porn title that requires no alterations.
  2. My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn. I told her, I love my car but I still watch NASCAR
  3. I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
  4. Oh science, oh science, oh science!!” ~An atheist having sex.
  5. Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock? I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!
  6. Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don’t Stop.
  7. Ok children, what sounds did we hear on our field trip to the farm yesterday?…”Moo!” ”Bahhh!” ”Quack Quack”…”Get the Fuk off that tractor!!!”
  8. Well, it’s almost time to show up late for something else.
  9. If you don’t send the person you’re stalking a nude photo of yourself, then you’re not taking that relationship serious enough!
  10. Prison counts as a gated community, right?
  11. My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.
  12. Weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.
  13. I sometimes wonder why I’m 33 and single. Then I see you with your screaming kids in the grocery store and quickly remember.
  14. That awkward moment when you accept a compliment that wasn’t meant for you.
  15. I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said ”This could be worth $5,000,000.00!” After catching my breath I gasped ”Really?”‘ he tossed it back to me and said ”Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!’
  16. 135.
  17. A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I’ve ever seen. She danced up to me and said “Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?” I said “My glasses.”
  18. Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now!
  19. Nothing says ‘I mean business’ like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.
  20. My mother always told me if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all… And some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.