Funny One Liners

  1. Flirting is dangerous business. One wrong move and you’re committed.
  2. I’m not comfortable with the fact that there’s a skeleton inside me.
  3. Damn you E Cards! Your making it too easy to share my stolen status’!
  4. You call it ‘laziness’, I call it ‘laziness’ too because I don’t feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.
  5. I’m a guy that loves to show a woman exactly what I like sexually. So I start off every first date with a 2-hour PowerPoint presentation.
  6. Now..a cheaper way to express your love…—-E-cards !
  7. I have a friend whose status says “suicidal standing on edge of cliff’…. I poked him.
  8. “Don’t kid yourself” Would be a great slogan for an abortion clinic.
  9. I was arrested for indecent exposure, but, sadly, released for lack of evidence.
  10. I only chill with professional alcoholics!!!
  11. I hate arrogant people….It’s like they think they’re better than me…No one is better than me!
  12. I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I’m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
  13. If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
  14. A cure has been found for homosexuality. Lip balm – you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.
  15. Obama this, Bush that… How about if you’re still unemployed after 3+ years you might just be a loser?
  16. If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn’t make me excited, pull the plug.
  17. I’ve been struggling with my laziness. I can’t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
  18. Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it’s official: I’ve gained weight.
  19. Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.
  20. I just violated myself in the shower. I didn’t want to but rules are rules and I did drop the soap after all.