Funny One Liners

  1. Sometimes relationships last longer when Facebook doesn’t know about them.
  2. I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I’ve stalked you on the internet.
  3. Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.
  4. I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.
  5. Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.
  6. ”Please punch in your account number, phone number and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again!”
  7. Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process
  8. 3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I don’t want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.
  9. Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said “I’m your future,” and I was like “Sweet, we have a cool beard.”
  10. It’s funny how if you are a minority and commit a mass murder, you are either a terrorist, thug, or an illegal, but if you are white, then you have a mental disorder and misunderstood!
  11. Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
  12. Ladies be careful, some of these guys don’t want to get into your pants, they want to wear them.
  13. Alcohol is the worst thing in the world… My friend had a lot last night and ended up saying – “I love you” to his Own Wife !!!
  14. Just got a tattoo of my wife so when she pisses me off I can stab myself in the arm and watch that b%tch bleed.
  15. Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she’s a cop.
  16. My wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. That’s why I always take mine off when I get home from work!
  17. I often ask myself “What’s wrong with me?” and the answer is ALWAYS “You can’t drink at work”
  18. It’s not you.. It’s me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.
  19. A couple who had been together for 25yrs and raised 10 children was asked what the secret to staying together was. The wife replied ”Many years ago we made an agreement that the first one to leave has to take all the children with them!!!”
  20. That awkward moment when you check the price tag and then slowly walk away.