Funny Posts

1000 Funny Posts for Facebook

  1. I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!
  2. If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine, I’m the healthiest mofo on this planet.
  3. Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
  4. Your check a$$hole light is on.
  5. You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
  6. “I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing…except when you’re at a funeral.
  7. I thought VH1 was showing an episode of The Golden Girls, but turns out it was an interview with Steven Tyler, David Bowie & Keith Richards.
  8. My dad’s TV volume is always set at “f*ck the neighbors”.
  9. Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
  10. My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn’t happy when I came back with a push up bra.
  11. Facebook should invent a relationship status that says “Only when I’m drunk.”
  12. Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials? Because I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies….
  13. Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I’m standing outside with two open beers and *lonely face*
  14. Coworker just said “I need a thick black one.” She was talking about a marker but I’m still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.
  15. Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.
  16. My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.
  17. Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
  18. Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
  19. This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him “You passed my house, let me out” & he’s all like “Sir I’m a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication.”
  20. “Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!” – Women logic.