Funny Sayings

1000 Funny Sayings


  1. funny sayingsIf you want to go running with me, you’d better be prepared to walk a lot.
  2. Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
  3. Just texted “I still love you” to about 50 random phone numbers.
  4. It takes balls to be a man.
  5. Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
  6. Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
  7. In a new study women with large asses live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives
  8. I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list…. I’m kinda surprised that “call 911” didn’t make the cut.
  9. I don’t know what’s longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute…
  10. Not sure if my bed is calling me or if its the girl I left handcuffed all day
  11. Manners matter. Good looks are a bonus. Humor is a must.
  12. Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending ♡
  13. No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.
  14. Women wake up yawning while men wake up with an erection. Coincidence?? I think NOT
  15. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.
  16. When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
  17. Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.
  18. With all of this technology, you would think we would have exercise equipment that simulated scenes from Jurassic Park to  actually motivate my ass to run.
  19. None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It’s because fish can’t survive in my secret reservoir of  vodka.
  20. People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need  something from you.