Funny Sayings

  1. When someone looks at your baby pictures and jokingly says “Aww you were so cute! What happened?” Bitch, I got sexy,  that’s what happened.
  2. Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn’t last as long for fat people!
  3. “Who are we?” “Women!” “What do we want?” “We don’t know!” “When do we want it?” “Now!”
  4. ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
  5. I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said “4G.” My apologies to the lady at the  Verizon kiosk.
  6. I hate when I’m singing and some idiot thinks they can join in with me… this is not Glee.
  7. Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
  8. The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told.
  9. I’m starting to think that all those hours in school when I practiced writing my autograph was just a waste of time…..
  10. Me: I’m happy right now. Life: lol one sec
  11. Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was “beware of dog” and then I dry humped her leg.
  12. (._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rolling. They hating.
  13. According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
  14. Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to….unless you’re in prison.
  15. A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.
  16. One man’s hoe is probably another man’s hoe too.
  17. Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.
  18. Justin Bieber and Selena have broken…dammit they were my favorite lesbian couple!!
  19. Justin and Selena broke up? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOObody cares.
  20. When I come back in the next life, I would like to come back as a bathroom mirror in a house full of hot women.