Funny Sayings

  1. How come know-it-alls don’t know how annoying they are?
  2. Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it’s any consolation, I don’t know what he ever saw in you.
  3. I think “Don’t Kid Yourself” would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
  4. Sarcasm: confusing stupid people and pissing off idiots everywhere.
  5. Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can’t stand most of the people you sort of know.
  6. I think my virginity is growing back.
  7. I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run  and jump method.
  8. Oh, you hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called “Everybody”, and we meet at the bar.
  9. Keep scrolling, I got nothing.
  10. My neighbors listen to good music. Whether they want to or not!
  11. You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
  12. Listen, you can keep retaking all the pictures you want but that’s just what your face really looks like.
  13. I’m not saying she’s fat, she’s just easy to see.
  14. Your posts make me wish I couldn’t read.
  15. You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
  16. Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It’s just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.
  17. I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.
  18. My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.
  19. People who marry for money over love usually end up cheating for love over money!
  20. The scariest part of the show “I didn’t know I was pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire  series.