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- How come know-it-alls don’t know how annoying they are?
- Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it’s any consolation, I don’t know what he ever saw in you.
- I think “Don’t Kid Yourself” would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
- Sarcasm: confusing stupid people and pissing off idiots everywhere.
- Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can’t stand most of the people you sort of know.
- I think my virginity is growing back.
- I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.
- Oh, you hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called “Everybody”, and we meet at the bar.
- Keep scrolling, I got nothing.
- My neighbors listen to good music. Whether they want to or not!
- You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
- Listen, you can keep retaking all the pictures you want but that’s just what your face really looks like.
- I’m not saying she’s fat, she’s just easy to see.
- Your posts make me wish I couldn’t read.
- You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
- Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It’s just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.
- I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.
- My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.
- People who marry for money over love usually end up cheating for love over money!
- The scariest part of the show “I didn’t know I was pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.