Funny Sayings

  1. You’re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
  2. If you think you aren’t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
  3. I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.
  4. Why people use Twitter: because updating 100 times a day on Facebook is not socially acceptable.
  5. A woman who has no idea how hot she is, is so hot.
  6. Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
  7. Oh, you sent me an event invite on Facebook? We’ve never met and you live 2,400 miles away, of course I’ll go!!
  8. That’s definitely not my ringtone, but I’m going to have to check my phone anyway.
  9. If Jessica Simpson doesn’t name one of her kids “Homer”, then seriously what’s the point?
  10. If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE  BUTTON ON FRONT!
  11. A real woman can raise a child by herself, but a real man would never LET her
  12. My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
  13. Airport security asked “what’s the purpose of your visit?” So I said “to terrorize the ladies!” and we laughed and laughed  and I’m being deported.
  14. B-E-F-O-R-E not b4. We speak English not fuc?ing bingo.
  15. Bi?ch I didn’t text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply
  16. Ladies, I adore you, but some of you need to cover up your t*ts and read a book
  17. When somebody sends me a “k” text, I assume they forgot the rest of “fuc_ you”, so I make sure to correct them.
  18. I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn’t.
  19. Don’t you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow  and walk away.
  20. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned … couldn’t concentrate.