Funny Sayings

  1. I just yawned so loud now I’m pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.
  2. Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
  3. That Awkward Moment when you find something hilarious, but nobody else does.
  4. Your ignorance might be bliss for you but it’s giving those of us with a brain a headache.
  5. My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
  6. Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
  7. These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us, who fought for, and won, the right to party.
  8. A shout out to all of the beautiful women who don’t need to dress trashy to attract a man….. But party at my place for  all those who do
  9. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
  10. Today’s World : You Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your relatives as far away as possible
  11. What do you call a guy with a one inch penis? Justin.
  12. Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
  13. Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
  14. Mad props to New York for dressing up as New Orleans for Halloween.
  15. Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!
  16. Happier than a witch in a broom shop.
  17. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
  18. The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o’ clock.
  19. I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice.
  20. My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.