I just saw a poster that said, “Have you seen this man?” with a number to call … So I called the number and told them, “no.”
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
Most people’s religion or faith has a switch which they can conveniently switch on and off whenever it suits them.
Hush little laptop dont you cry mommas gonna find you another wifi.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up… Me: (click)
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
Welcome to Facebook! Where liars tell more lies, enemies are Facebook friends, weak people turn into Facebook gangsters, haters complain about haters and every person who talks about money aint got none.
A woman with big boobs will never truly know if she’s actually interesting.
The man who created knock knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.
My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Apple is coming out with a product for Asians.. The iOpener..
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
A girl just asked me “When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what’s a good comeback?” I told her, “COMEBACK with a damn sandwich.”
Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
Every day can be Friday if you’re really irresponsible.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye AFTER you hit send.
I’m hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm, if you can’t come, let me know.