Funny Sayings

  1. Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
  2. I cut my finger on a beer can last night. Now I know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
  3. If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
  4. Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don’t, raise your standards.
  5. Most people have X’s. I have a bunch of Y’s and WTF’s
  6. “You’ve changed.” “I know, I’m a Transformer.”
  7. Don’t be afraid to be open-minded. Your brain isn’t going to fall out.
  8. You can lead a human to knowledge…. but you can’t make them think.
  9. Jealousy is something you’re good at when you think you suck at everything.
  10. My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and  there/their/they’re.
  11. The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
  12. I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn’t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.
  13. It’s mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too… How do you expect him to  Instargram the food?
  14. I’m not saying she’s a slut, but she’s been banged more than a snooze button on Monday morning.
  15. Facebook should have a relationship status called: Fu*k I don’t know….Ask her
  16. I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
  17. They say that money can’t buy happiness, give me 100 dollars & watch me smile 🙂
  18. Lord, protect me from my friends, I can take care of my enemies.
  19. When a girl cancels a date, it’s because she has to, but when a guy cancels a date, it’s because he has two.
  20. If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.