Funny Sayings

  1. Life is so damn funny when you have a dirty mind . . .
  2. All new Hell’s Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she  cooks dinner.
  3. Life caught me caring and punished me accordingly.
  4. Just read a story in a magazine that a woman is claiming she was raped by an alien.. Big Deal!.. So was Lady Gaga’s mother
  5. It’s called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too? K thanks.
  6. Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
  7. If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
  8. Don’t be easy to get because you’ll be easy to forget.
  9. I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex…worthless and in everybody’s pants.
  10. I’ve always wanted to know how long “forever” was… and by looking at some people’s relationships, it’s around 2 to 4  weeks.
  11. Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
  12. I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except that the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they’re supposed to be.
  13. I’m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
  14. I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of  4 instead of just me
  15. My parents said I should watch less movies and read more,so I turned on the subtitles..
  16. They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I’m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
  17. A rock flying through the hemisphere is called an Asteroid. A lump on your ass is called a Hemorrhoid…… If you think  of it,Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
  18. Roses are red, I have a phone, no one texts me, forever alone.
  19. I wish I were a glow worm, A glow worm’s never glum. “Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?!
  20. I know alcohol isn’t the answer, but it’s my best guess.