Funny Sayings

  1. What if lollipops moaned when you licked them?
  2. My son asked me what’s it like being married. I said “You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like  that”.
  3. iTunes has got it all wrong. The hottest single of the year is me.
  4. Teacher -What does ‘COINCIDENCE’ mean? Student – Funny, I was just going to ask you that.
  5. Whats the difference between a prostitute and a bowling ball? You can’t fit a prostitute in a bowling ball.
  6. If “loving you” is wrong, then i don’t want to be right!
  7. Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
  8. It’s funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.
  9. Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
  10. Facebook should make an option, to block people from tagging me in videos/pictures that have nothing to do with me.
  11. Who the hell invented Bull Riding? “Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
  12. Nice try, St. Patrick’s Day, but I don’t need a reason to drink.
  13. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
  14. If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right
  15. Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you  the whole time.
  16. FACEBOOK – A place where couples wish they were single and the singles wish they were couples.
  17. Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
  18. I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the  number of ipads I own.
  19. I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is  to me. Please hold.
  20. I see you liked my status… I accept your invitation for sex.