Funny Sayings

  1. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
  2. Says if you’re happy and you know it drop your pants!!
  3. finds it funny when people who aren’t friends in real life are friends on Facebook
  4. Birdie birdie in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye I didn’t cry I didn’t sigh I thank god cows can’t fly
  5. The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. very nice, but i think they misunderstood when I said I wanna  watch!
  6. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.
  7. A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately she’s had a lot of problems with squatters.
  8. How come when someone goes to sit down and the seat is dirty they use their hand to wipe the seat then wipe their dirty  hands on their pants? What was the point
  9. Compromising with your woman doesn’t mean you are wrong & she is right.  It only signifies that sex is more important  than your ego.
  10. Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a lady-boy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady,  talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a parking space first-short l  thought..ok hang on!
  11. Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn’t matter where  you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home”.
  12. I wish people would stop only talking about Jesus and just start acting like him.
  13. Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don’t mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other  but they don’t meant it either.
  14. How school works: 2+2=4. Homework: 2+4+2=8. Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the  Suns mass.
  15. If things around you don’t change, change the thing you’re around.
  16. If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
  17. If you aren’t happy being single, you’ll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.
  18. Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.
  19. PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.
  20. That awkward moment; when no one else is laughing, except for you and you can’t stop.