Funny Sayings

  1. I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.
  2. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the cutest of them all? the mirror laughed & made a grunt & said “not you, you ugly  c*nt.
  3. I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She cried & then she hugged me.
  4. FB lesson number #1. If you don’t want people meddling in your business, stop  posting it on your status.
  5. Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife.Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and  unlimited plan.
  6. I could be the next American Idol!! If they could just let me bring my shower on stage…
  7. Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I will hold your boobs up all day for half that?!
  8. I’m not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.
  9. Valentine’s Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.
  10. Fellas: Make it a Valentine’s Day she’ll always remember by simply forgetting it.
  11. If you’re upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you’re going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in  the world.
  12. I don’t tell god how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my god is.
  13. Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.
  14. I think your first love holds the biggest piece of your heart because they made the first cut.
  15. Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention the Morons.
  16. Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or you’re taking sh!t from some @sshole!
  17. Good girls go to heaven . . . bad girls make you feel like your there .
  18. Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings..
  19. Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew  where he lived.
  20. If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are.