Funny Sayings

  1. No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat  who knows everything.
  2. Some people are flirting with my delete & block button.
  3. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
  4. Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.
  5. I’m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
  6. I don’t play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string.
  7. Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
  8. That awkward moment when you don’t know what to do with your life when you leave the computer, so you just get back on.
  9. Reese Whitherspoon may have lost her good girl image but she’s still got her overinflated self worth…
  10. ‘ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
  11. Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
  12. Love doesn’t walk away, people do.
  13. If you really want to get to know someone, start arguing with them.
  14. Dating a single mother…. It’s like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.
  15. And then God said, “Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings.”
  16. So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion!Some of you f*ckers are lying!
  17. Karen on Facebook says… “Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(” That’s probably why your  husband left, Karen.
  18. I’m not saying I’m smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer…
  19. Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
  20. Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.