Funny Sayings

  1. The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
  2. Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you
  3. People that say “money can’t buy happiness” either have no money or buying the wrong things.
  4. I got a dig bick. You this read wrong. You read that wrong too.
  5. Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and… alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone  know any good porn sites?
  6. I hate when people don’t watch where I’m going when I’m walking and texting.
  7. Instead of knowing what the #1 song was when you were born it would be cool if it could tell you what the #1 song will be  when you die. That way when you start hearing it on the radio, you’ll know that the end is near.
  8. The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
  9. It’s funny when my wife gives me the ‘silent treatment’. Because she thinks it’s a punishmen
  10. Love is never having to say you’re sorry. Marriage is saying sorry especially when you’re not.
  11. I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
  12. I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my freaking phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your jacket!”
  13. I wanna thank my mom for not aborting me and my dad for buying cheap condoms. Love you guys
  14. I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears.
  15. My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. I’m 22 mom, I don’t talk to strangers, I sleep with them.
  16. News of Whitney Houston’s death traveled with such speed. When I heard I couldn’t help but crack up with emotion. She was  a real heroin. It’s such a blow. She really made a hash of things though.
  17. Don’t put words in my mouth…my foot is already in there.
  18. Doctor: are you sexually active. Me: I’m not even physically active
  19. Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
  20. If I were a rapper I’d go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn’t release a single track.