Women don’t know what they want. Men don’t know what they have.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so” I said “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!”
Everything happens for a reason. But, sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
Happy Birthday Girlfrien. I didn’t put the D because you’ll get that later.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let’s try to leave better kids for our planet.
My dad just gave me a toilet plunger as a house warming gift. Dads, they’re always helpin you with shit 🙂
Just realized, We stare at screens, have fake farms, cities and animals and poke people.Think about it. Facebook is a mental hospital and we’re the patients.
Facebook – Faithful on your wall, but cheating in your inbox.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there’s an 83% chance that my nephew just added “Mother*ucker” to his vocabulary.
Reports are in that Hugo Chjavez has died….hmmmmm ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒Fidel Castro ✔Hugo Chavez – Not good times for my Fantasy Dictator League…
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Don’t die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.
Dear FB Friends/Family: You can’t find out who saw your profile. You won’t see what you’ll look like in the future. You won’t know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free iPads. And you can’t see the video of Osama’s death… Not on Facebook. Please stop clicking the spam links and exposing yourself and friends to virus risks!
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, ‘Keep off the Grass.’
It is so much easier to turn friendship into love, than love into friendship.
My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.