Funny Sayings

  1. At first it was “Okay” and then “ok” and now “k” and soon it will disappear and you’ll all regret it.
  2. A woman always worries about the things that men forget and men always worry about the things women remember.
  3. The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the  shitstorm that’s coming.
  4. After suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough,  once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “F___ it, let me soldier on!”
  5. Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
  6. I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with  me? It might help.
  7. My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible…
  8. I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always  drink to “that”.
  9. Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
  10. Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple  Orgasms”
  11. I guess it’s time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out…
  12. Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
  13. It’s a man’s job to respect a woman. But, it’s a woman’s job to give him something to respect…
  14. Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
  15. If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one…?
  16. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it…
  17. Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as “The Peas”.
  18. I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking  about walking??
  19. Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don’t block the view.
  20. Life isn’t a garden, so don’t be a hoe.