Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “doll feet running into the closet” Because I AM NOT HITTING SNOOZE WHEN I HEAR THAT SHIT
Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.
Girls just wanna have funds.
What I know about you has earned my attention. What I don’t know about you is what makes you interesting.
At any given time, the urge to sing “The lion sleeps tonight” is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
“WE WANT EQUAL RIGHTS! WE WANT EQUAL RIGHTS! … HEY! YOU CAN’T HIT ME. I’M A GIRL!”
Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall… knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.
Fake friends are around when you are cool. True friends are around even if they think you’re a fool.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
We’re all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.
I’ve fallen in love with the internet. It was love at first site..
You, my friend, deserve a high-five…that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.
Love is a lot like magic, both are fake and there’s always some asshole trying to ruin the illusion for you.
“Internet pretty” – angled profile photos that disguise the ugly truth.
Police: “How high are you?” Me: “No officer. It’s Hi, how are you?”
An Old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says ‘LET’S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX” he replies “PICK ONE,I CAN’T DO BOTH”