Funny Sayings

  1. Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit  you’re wearing.
  2. To Do List: 1) You.
  3. Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013, …. Stare at your phone like a normal person.
  4. I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
  5. Still trying to figure out how Cee-Lo wipes his ass.
  6. Hey, if it doesn’t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever.
  7. The number of times you say “Don’t judge me” is directly proportional to the amount of things you do that you know are  wrong.
  8. I’ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
  9. Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
  10. Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either…
  11. There’s always some truth behind: Just kidding, Knowledge behind: I don’t know, Emotion behind: I don’t care & Pain  behind: It’s okay.
  12. TRAVEL TIP: When you are alone in a hotel room with two beds, that means one bed is for eating on and one bed is for  sleeping on.
  13. A good day for a bad boy is talking a good girl into a bad decision.
  14. Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
  15. Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.
  16. I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine  for dinner.
  17. My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.
  18. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do that thing I said I’d do yesterday.
  19. Getting married at 18 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
  20. My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.