If only women knew that being happy with themselves is the most attractive quality they can ever offer.
Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I think its my mom’s birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.
A BJ a days keep the sluts away from my man…
I have no super powers. I’m guessing I’m the villain.
First time I saw a dry erase board I said thats “remarkable”
Different ways to say “NO”: German: Nein – Russian: Niej – Arabic: La – Women: Yes, but …
Thank you Pringles® for being the only chip company that doesn’t sell air.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
I’d have a longer attention span if things weren’t so shiny
I don’t understand why it’s called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.
Tips for Guys on Valentine’s Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She’ll automatically list things she want.
Some girls put more effort into naming their Facebook photo albums than I put into my life.
ME … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ? My Wife… Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
Porn websites should end in .cum
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
“That’s it. Nice and slow.” “Don’t stop. Just keep going.” “You’ve almost got it. A little slower.” “Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!” “Oh f*ck me! Brace yourself!” And that’s about how it goes when I let her drive.
You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.