Funny Sayings

  1. Did you know that the word “suns” upside down is still “suns”?
  2. If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I’ve been  hacked.
  3. I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
  4. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” The  doctor says, “It’s Not Unusual.”
  5. It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal… Now the only importance before a meal  is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.
  6. Open your mind before your mouth.
  7. My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.
  8. If you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!
  9. At least Mexicans make good immigrants and don’t bomb nobody.
  10. Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
  11. Dear un-followers, I feel sorry for you… Your timeline will no longer be sexy. Sincerely, me
  12. New day, same old bullshit.
  13. Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
  14. When a woman asks you to guess her age, it’s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
  15. My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.
  16. Be smart because you won’t be pretty forever.
  17. How long after walking into someone’s house is it acceptable to ask for their WiFi password?
  18. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m using my hand, but I’m thinking of you.
  19. Aren’t we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?
  20. You don’t get smarter as you get older. There just aren’t any stupid things left that you haven’t already done.