Our neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don’t see what that solved, now we’ve got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
I bought condoms & the cashier said do you need a bag? I replied “No she isn’t that ugly”.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don’t show it to her.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, “How old are you?” I said, “I’m five.” He said, “When I was your age I was six.”
Without me it would just be aweso. Just saying.
The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, “You were right.”
I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Life’s a bitch, Because if it was a slut, It would be easy.
Some people need to open their small minds instead of their big mouths.
Absolutely no one can text faster than a pissed off woman.
If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I’m not spending the night there.
A slut’s prayer: As I lay down with this creep, I pray he sticks it in real deep, If he comes before I do, I’ll have to f*ck his best friend too.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven’t pissed in 8 hrs
If everyday is a gift, I want to know where I can return Mondays.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month..
I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.