Funny Sayings

  1. I’ve never met a group of people more worried about their “privacy” than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING  about themselves.
  2. #LanceArmstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was #stoned I ended up in a ditch.
  3. I have a confession too Oprah. For years I have been stealing statuses from all over the Internet and passing them off as  my own original thoughts.
  4. I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
  5. Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.
  6. I would lose weight … But I hate losing …
  7. Guys, if you are ever watching ‘Indecent Proposal’ and your wife or girlfriend asks: “Would you let someone sleep with me  for $1,000,000?” Just lie!!
  8. Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.
  9. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  10. What if you woke up with amnesia and all you could remember was your Facebook password and you had to discover who you  were based on your statuses?
  11. You say I’m “Dirty minded” but then how did you understand what I meant?
  12. I hate those p*nîs enhancement emails. I got 10 today. What really hurt my feelings was 8 of them were from my girlfriend.
  13. You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.
  14. I want to write “I miss you” on a rock and throw it at your face so that you’ll know how much it hurts to miss you.
  15. Today’s Favorited tweet is tomorrow’s Facebook update.
  16. What do you call a woman that won’t make a sandwich? An ambulance.
  17. I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with “swag” and their duck-face girlfriends too. It was  the Yolocaust.
  18. Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer.  Life gets better. CAN’T WAIT!
  19. People always ask me, where do I come up with my status’, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is  people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
  20. What a shock! Got a letter in the mail that read “If you ever want to see you’re wife alive again, leave $100,000 in  unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street”. Seriously, does no one know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’  anymore?