Funny Sayings

  1. Two people who like the same things will be good friends but two people who hate the same things will be best friends
  2. Friday. My second favorite F word.
  3. The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
  4. Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
  5. I know you shouldn’t text and drive but I’ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
  6. I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don’t have Windows.
  7. I don’t care what you think of me. James Blunt thinks I’m beautiful.
  8. Unless you can explain how you know me in three words or less, Facebook Friend Request: DENIED.
  9. What do you call a woman that doesn’t make me a sandwich? An ambulance.
  10. Why do people walk by and say “Hi, how are you?” but they don’t stop long enough for you to reply!
  11. My boobs are nice so I don’t have to be.
  12. I wish I could trade my heart for another liver, so I could drink more and care less.
  13. You know you have problems when you mentally click a “like” button every time you see something that pleases you..
  14. I saw a fat guy with a “M.O.B.” tattoo on his arm. I asked “money over b*tches?” He said “No, McDonalds over Burger King.
  15. I’m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken…
  16. At school: Slutty girl: ugh my throat really hurts. Me: I bet your knees do too. Her: what Me: what
  17. You know you’re getting old when people say you look young..:)
  18. Men get frustrated because they don’t understand how women think. Women get frustrated because they understand how men  think.
  19. My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
  20. If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine, I’m the healthiest person on the planet.