Funny Sayings

  1. If you don’t have anything nice to say, tweet that sh*t.
  2. My attitude changes in 5 seconds flat. From sweetheart to bitch. So I suggest you don’t test that.
  3. Twitter is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
  4. The more “normal” you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.
  5. I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
  6. Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
  7. There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
  8. Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
  9. If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world.
  10. Sometimes one middle finger isn’t enough to let someone know how you feel. That’s why you have two hands.
  11. I’m sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullsh*t.
  12. The number of “followers” you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.
  13. I honestly never believed that whole story about Lance Armstrong walking on the moon.
  14. WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
  15. I didn’t fall for you, you f*cking tripped me
  16. I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
  17. When the “M” of MTV was for music & not for maternity… Those were the days
  18. Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama
  19. Blanket on: too hot, Blanket off: too cold, 1 leg out: perfect, until the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it & drags  you down the hall.
  20. Your face on Facebook and twitter : (´▽`) . In real life : (‾(••)‾)