Funny Sayings

  1. If only my sex life was as consistent as the Adobe updates.
  2. When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh*t to a  whole new level?”
  3. Who else takes their phone out when you’re in public by yourself, just so you don’t look like some idiot with no friends.
  4. Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.
  5. Okay…we’ve seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.
  6. So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called “Ain’t nobody’s business.” Well, I just  wrote my own song called, “Ain’t Nobody Cares!”
  7. My attitude in exams, they give me questions I don’t know, I give them answers they don’t know..
  8. At least I have all day sober to Sunday up…..
  9. A cop stopped me and asked “Do you know why I followed you ” so I said “because my tweets are funny” & we laughed &  high-fived & I’m in Jail…
  10. Life and beer are very similar……..chill for best results.
  11. When I stay at a man’s house that I want to see again I always “accidentally” lose something there, like my phone, my  sweater, or my dignity.
  12. Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.
  13. I eat when I’m sad and I’m sad because I’m fat.
  14. myself. Sometimes I get ahead of
  15. They say the human imagination is infinite. Try to imagine a new color.
  16. Dear People of The World, I don’t mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.
  17. Sweatpants and a hoodie: Sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it.
  18. Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
  19. If your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche…
  20. I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will still cut you.