Funny Sayings

  1. Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I  saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
  2. If Shrek can find love, so can you.
  3. When someone texts you “hahahahaha!!” instead of “haha” or “lol”, you know you’ve done well.
  4. I’m not fat. My stomach is 3D
  5. Does your camera know you’ve been using it to look like a whore?
  6. Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.
  7. The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is.
  8. Speak English, kiss French, drive German, dress Italian, spend Arab, party Caribbean.
  9. It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
  10. When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That’s why I give them wrong ones to  teach her a lesson.
  11. Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.
  12. I’m no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.
  13. If you’re behind someone at an ATM late night, let them know you’re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their  neck.
  14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I  wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
  15. I just don’t get it…My wife’s friends come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the “why aren’t you wearing  pants” look.
  16. The way I see it, EVERY FRIDAY is Good Friday.. 🙂
  17. Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : “In other news Brian’s ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch.  Details at 11″.
  18. Arguing with women is like getting arrested, anything you say can and will be used against you.
  19. Don’t you hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the  shower.
  20. People who say they don’t have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about  them.