Funny Sayings

  1. Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
  2. Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
  3. That awkward moment when you realize that the nursery rhyme never said that Humpty Dumpty was an egg…
  4. Whenever I show someone a picture on my phone, I assume ninja stance in case they start scrolling.
  5. I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
  6. Letsh Have Shex! – Horny Sean Connery
  7. To predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters.
  8. I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
  9. Shoepidity… wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.
  10. My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the  driver.
  11. I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Year’s resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
  12. My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic…I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
  13. For your information, we’ll be remembered as the generation who thought a fat Korean pretending to ride a horse was  entertaining to look at.
  14. Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses around.
  15. Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don’t know it yet
  16. Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start  the car.
  17. Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He’s excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best  baby of all time.
  18. Kim and Kanye’s baby will probably be delivered by C-Section to avoid getting Chlamydia on the way out…
  19. Kim Kardashian’s baby will be the whitest person to ever see her vagina.