Funny Sayings

  1. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics.  So I stopped going.
  2. After a night of heavy drinking’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
  3. If you love someone, set them fee. If they don’t come back, call them up later when you’re drunk.
  4. I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
  5. I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife.” You should have seen how  fast they both ran off.
  6. If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with “I shouldn’t be telling you this”
  7. Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but you’re on Facebook instead.
  8. Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
  9. Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right…. Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we
  10. wouldn’t be arguing…
  11. Most of the lies I tell aren’t even true.
  12. I didn’t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It’s not that I don’t like my job, it’s just
  13. that I like being lazy more…
  14. If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn’t even get away
  15. with it.
  16. Running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for dogs?
  17. After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat for the
  18. rest of the week anyway.
  19. I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
  20. You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.