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- I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
- After a night of heavy drinking’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
- If you love someone, set them fee. If they don’t come back, call them up later when you’re drunk.
- I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
- I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife.” You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
- If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with “I shouldn’t be telling you this”
- Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but you’re on Facebook instead.
- Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
- Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right…. Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we
- wouldn’t be arguing…
- Most of the lies I tell aren’t even true.
- I didn’t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It’s not that I don’t like my job, it’s just
- that I like being lazy more…
- If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn’t even get away
- with it.
- Running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for dogs?
- After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat for the
- rest of the week anyway.
- I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
- You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.