Funny Sayings

  1. The awkward moment when you can’t read your own handwriting and you’re like “WTF did I just write?!”
  2. If you can’t win an argument, correct their grammar.
  3. I never argue, I just explain why I’m right.
  4. I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
  5. My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she’ll be having a garage sale later this week.
  6. If you can make a woman laugh, you’re almost there. If you’re almost there and then she laughs, that’s a different thing.
  7. I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White – Good condition – Reliable – Cheap – No evidence of rear end  damage. Must See.
  8. Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last  30 days.
  9. Don’t shop when hungry. Don’t date when horny. Don’t update your status when drunk
  10. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in  front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful!
  11. I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
  12. Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it’s real
  13. That awkward moment when you’re supposed to be cleaning your room and you put on music and it turns into a dance party for  one.
  14. Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
  15. I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.
  16. My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
  17. Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
  18. The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.
  19. News knowledge is important. I was discussing with a guy about the Gaza Strip. He thought it was the adhesive side of a  maxi pad.
  20. I see your swag and I raise you a high school education.