Funny Sayings

  1. I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential…
  2. Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.
  3. Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It’s called “I need to get laid and I’ll say and do anything to
  4. make it happen.”
  5. It’s Saturday.. Turning my give-a-crap-o’ meter down… █ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂
  6. Before you pride yourself on being a big fish, make sure you’re not swimming in a puddle.
  7. I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream.
  8. Cool things always happen when I don’t have a camera.
  9. Don’t you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the  whole time?
  10. Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a  cheese platter.
  11. I hate porn that develops too much story line. I actually watched till the end and forgot to
  12. masturbate.
  13. If you gave me a blowjob while in the shower, I’d probably shampoo and condition your hair while you do it.
  14. I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that’s lasted longer than 4 hours. We’re meeting for drinks in 30  minutes.
  15. I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don’t like to
  16. swallow…
  17. What’s a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?
  18. I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a  beer.
  19. A real man will always find time for his woman, even if it means blowing off a date with his mistress.
  20. Another Twilight movie? God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.