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- I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential…
- Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.
- Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It’s called “I need to get laid and I’ll say and do anything to
- make it happen.”
- It’s Saturday.. Turning my give-a-crap-o’ meter down… █ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂
- Before you pride yourself on being a big fish, make sure you’re not swimming in a puddle.
- I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream.
- Cool things always happen when I don’t have a camera.
- Don’t you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?
- Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.
- I hate porn that develops too much story line. I actually watched till the end and forgot to
- masturbate.
- If you gave me a blowjob while in the shower, I’d probably shampoo and condition your hair while you do it.
- I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that’s lasted longer than 4 hours. We’re meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.
- I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don’t like to
- swallow…
- What’s a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?
- I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
- A real man will always find time for his woman, even if it means blowing off a date with his mistress.
- Another Twilight movie? God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.