Humorous Quotes

1000 Humorous Quotes Updated Daily

  1. humorous quotesI love when people say to me… Omg! Your so funny on FB. If they only knew about my awesome copy & paste ability..They could be just as funny!
  2. Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house.
  3. Ladies: Stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet…..Sweeping is your job.
  4. Why do Mexicans walk around school like they own the place? Their dads built it and their moms clean it.
  5. What do books have that Mexicans don’t? Papers.
  6. The cost of living has gone up so much that my wife is now having sex with me as she can’t afford the batteries now !!’
  7. Just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast guard. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty…
  8. If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they’d make it a requirement for people to share their “mental status” in addition to each new status update.
  9. My son came home from school and told my wife he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it? He says, “I play the part of the husband.” My wife says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
  10. The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you’ll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says “Ok, it’s later!”.
  11. That “dammit” moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like “Now what do I do…?”
  12. “You’re beautiful. No, you’re beautiful! No, No, you’re Beautiful. No No No. You’re beautiful.” -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures
  13. The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it…
  14. I’ll never understand why the guy that invented Braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
  15. “”When people cut you down. Or talk behind your back. Remember they took time out of their pathetic lives, To think about you.””
  16. Where the hell were these teachers that bang their students when I was in high school?!
  17. The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
  18. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, “here fill this out”..?
  19. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of  driving…
  20. ‘MAY’ contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn’t. DON’T WASTE MY TIME