Humorous Quotes

  1. I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally pocket dialed me.
  2. I bet most Braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”
  3. Study shows 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile. Not me, though. I live next door to 2 really hot middle school girls.
  4. Sorry! i’m not desperate because i’m single. I’m single, because i’m not desperate.
  5. I don’t think it’s by accident that the ceilings in trailer homes aren’t high enough to hang yourself from.
  6. Women like a man with confidence. Because without that, what’s to destroy?
  7. Everyday, I brush my teeth & say “That’s it. You can’t squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube.” Then everyday, I do.
  8. I don’t mind people sneezing in public. It’s that “Pre-sneeze face” they make that scares the hell out of me.
  9. Don’t judge me until you know me. Don’t underestimate me until you challenge me. And don’t talk about me until you talk to me
  10. This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is ‘funny and spontaneous’, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
  11. Attention, guys wearing “skinny Jeans”, you took the phrase “getting into her pants” the wrong way
  12. I’ll never understand dentists. They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you “Your gums wouldn’t bleed if you flossed more”.
  13. The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.
  14. Baby I’m no weather man but you can expect a few inches tonight 😉
  15. Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks “hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?” Never give two names……ever.
  16. The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
  17. One of the simplest ways to stay happy is to let go of the things that make you sad.
  18. Always remember, that no matter how useless you think you are, you are still someone’s reason to smile.
  19. “They dared me to” is always a valid excuse.
  20. I couldn’t finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: “do you wana box for that ?” I responded ” no , but i’ll arm wrestle you for it “