Humorous Quotes

  1. An old lady at the park said to me today, “I see your dog’s fetching balls.”I said, “I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn’t really be looking.”
  2. The ONLY reason I haven’t unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.
  3. What’s the worst trick you can do to your blind brother? Leave the plunger in the pot.
  4. Can’t shake this headache. Perhaps the shaking isn’t helping
  5. Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
  6. Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like……Kidnappers asking to “keep in touch” after letting you go
  7. Next time you’re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
  8. Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said “May I please have a cigarette?”. I can’t believe kids this age are already so polite.
  9. Look you asked me to be your child’s Godfather so don’t get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.
  10. My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they’re like “It wasn’t that hard.”
  11. You sit quietly under a needle for hours getting a tattoo but if I touch you with my ice cold feet you let out a bloodcurdling scream.
  12. Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They’ve obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.
  13. Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.
  14. I remember your face, and I even remember what we talked about, but what the hell was your name again?!
  15. Racism is for lazy people who don’t take the time to learn enough about someone to dislike them for a much better reason.
  16. My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me”. So I put shampoo in her eyes.
  17. I’m going to change my name to ‘Benefits’ Now when you add me on Facebook it will say “You are now friends with benefits.”
  18. I wish I could smack the stupid out of people and if you think this status is about you smack yourself for me!
  19. Happy March 14th to all the MEN out there…. (not sure what it is?? GOOGLE IT)
  20. People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.