Humorous Quotes

  1. SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.
  2. It’s okay to laugh during sex, just don’t point.
  3. Life’s like a box of chocolate, it doesn’t last very long for fat people.
  4. Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!
  5. I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.
  6. Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
  7. My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it.
  8. 70% of my enemies were once my friends.
  9. I woke up one day and your name just didn’t make me smile anymore.
  10. Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTILER 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Did you read……….Spine, Lither, Ginger and Subtext?
  11. Who are your favorite underground artists?? Mine are Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston
  12. I came home drunk last night and my wife looks at me says “Drunk Again” and I said “Me Too!!
  13. Why are so many people obese these days? Because burgers are$.99 and salads are $4.99
  14. Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.
  15. I think people get married just to get ‘Likes’ on Facebook.
  16. Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me
  17. Fat people just want to get into your pantries.
  18. The most significant change brought about in the 2ist century is the decline of photographers and photography studios. They’ve both been replaced…. By camera phones and bathrooms.
  19. Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you’re in prison.
  20. RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.