Humorous Quotes

  1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose
  2. I think I invented some new Kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.
  3. If you can read this please let me know because, it means I blocked the wrong person. I’m still getting used to this Stupid timeline!
  4. Weekends are like an ORGASM: It takes a lot to get there and when you finally do, it’s over in no time!
  5. You know you’re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
  6. After years of searching for my girlfriend’s G-spot, who would have guessed her sister had it all this time!
  7. If gas prices keep going up I’m cutting off the bottom of my car and I’m “Flintstoning” That mf!
  8. Facebook, where a bathroom shot of a duckface is considered ‘hot’
  9. Miracles do happen even on Facebook and Twitter. Come Sunday and suddenly everyone becomes a preacher.
  10. Don’t you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?
  11. Ladies, if you love a man, set him free. If he comes back he will be yours forever. If he doesn’t, the new chick probably squirts or does anal.
  12. Dear McDonald’s cashier, Don’t give me that look, there’s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don’t forget the toy b!tch.
  13. If a cop pulls you over for talking on your phone, just tell him you were reporting a drunk driver.
  14. Used to hate red lights before text messaging was invented.
  15. When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can’t get any worse, please remember…I don’t give a shit.
  16. No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
  17. Facebook asks me what I’m thinking. Twitter asks me what I’m doing. 4square asks me where I am. Conclusion: the Internet is my girlfriend.
  18. I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my wife and my dog. The dog gets it.
  19. Do the right thing today: Go to someone’s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
  20. Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.