Humorous Quotes

  1. I hate those unrealistic movies…you know, the ones where men are friends with women.
  2. If you’re going to carry on a cell phone conversation in the men’s room you can count on me to make HORRIBLE noises and flush every two seconds.
  3. My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.
  4. If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.
  5. The best curves on a girl is her smile…..Naw just kidding look at dat ass!
  6. This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, “Good Morning Sexy.” I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.
  7. Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.
  8. Please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.
  9. Ladies, if you don’t want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn’t wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.
  10. 16 and Pregnant? How come I didn’t get my own show when I was 16? “16 and smart enough to use a rubber.”
  11. If any of my jokes or status have offended you, I am truly sorry……… that you’re such a pu$$y…….
  12. Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
  13. Money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around
  14. I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife.” You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
  15. Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They’ll never understand.
  16. I don’t drink so that I’m more fun to be around. I drink so that you’re more fun to be around.
  17. That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
  18. If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she’s 70, it’ll be a giraffe!
  19. I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said “Yeah, pump 6.”
  20. ‎”If you’re building a time machine, Take your time. what’s the rush?”