Humorous Quotes

  1. I called out my wife’s name during sex and she walked in to see what I needed. Won’t do that again.
  2. BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn’t looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart…no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.
  3. When someone says “everything happens for a reason” I’d like to smack them and say “yeah, I guess you’re right”
  4. You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.
  5. Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie
  6. Definition of anxiety: half of the time you’re worried about the other half of the time.
  7. Live today like it’s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
  8. I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day.
  9. Every time I think I’ve come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside
  10. Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
  11. People who say “No, and here’s why…” need to realize that we stopped listening after the “no” part.
  12. I don’t believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
  13. I think next time I’ll go ahead and press “2” for Spanish. Maybe I’ll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the “English” line.
  14. TIP OF THE DAY: If you can’t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
  15. She wants to share a Facebook account? Run.
  16. Fellaz: Commenting on and liking every other half-naked girl’s Facebook picture makes you look damn thirsty! Have some dignity or buy some.
  17. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.
  18. Next time you’re on the phone and a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up.
  19. Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship’s galley.
  20. Why is it I cant get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afganistan? Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on??