Humorous Quotes

  1. Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth… unfortunately, the earth is round.
  2. My friends think I never listen to their opinions… like I give a sh*t what they think.
  3. Don’t let anyone’s hate, negativity, ignorance or drama stop you from being the asshole you strive to be.
  4. Oh is it really raining outside? Please post a status update for all of us with no windows.
  5. When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear… “Let’s order a pizza.”
  6. Come on down! You’re the next contestant on STFU!
  7. If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it…… I found the rubber band.
  8. When talking with a woman in her 30s, it’s super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she’s in her 30s.
  9. Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.
  10. Why won’t the machines just take over already? I’m tired of doing stuff.
  11. Please be patient…I’m fcuking things up as fast as I can.
  12. When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.
  13. Just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.
  14. I read “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” in 4 hours yesterday. I know it’s only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.
  15. Don’t be stupid, if their ex is still calling it’s because they’re still getting an answer.
  16. A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesn’t get jealous when someone has your attention, it’s because someone has hers.
  17. You should know you’ll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, “Alcohol by volume.”
  18. If she high-five you after sex…marry her on the spot.
  19. Oh so your boyfriend cheated on you? But how is every other man on this planet responsible for it?
  20. lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating….because if you’re good at cheating, you’re good at everything.