Humorous Quotes

  1. People who say they don’t have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.
  2. I like to go up to my wife’s twin sister and say “i know what you look like naked”
  3. I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German.
  4. Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
  5. Once upon a time the hardest decision we had to make was to choose our favorite color in a crayon box…
  6. Did you know if you put your ear up to a strangers leg, you can actually hear them say; “What the fcuk are you doing?”
  7. I will make a book called Math for dummies and I’ll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.
  8. Hi, Faithbook! itfs – Mike Tyson
  9. My girlfriend says her doctor said no sex for 2 weeks ..ahh oh k but what your dentist say..!
  10. Stay out of my dreams if you’re not going to be there when I open my eyes
  11. A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
  12. The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
  13. Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.
  14. Seen on a prison wall: “VIRGINITY – who says you can only lose it once?”
  15. My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
  16. “A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.”
  17. “A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”
  18. That annoying moment when you’re waiting for a text & you get one but it’s from the wrong person.
  19. Women are good for 70 things. cleaning house, and 69
  20. For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…